This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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