It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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