note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
