i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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