she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
