I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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