she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
