oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
