i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
