I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize