You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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