did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
