I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
