Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
