I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
