P.S. I can't hear my feet
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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