meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize