last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
