Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
