Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
