ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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