I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Less talking, more tequila
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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