so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
