i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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