I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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