Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
