how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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