I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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