I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
