mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
