I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
