Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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