dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
