Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
