I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
