By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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