I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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