we have pet lesbian snakes
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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