Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The chlamydia really affected his face.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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