Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
