Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
