I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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