I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
