you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
