Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
