You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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