Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
