"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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