why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
