I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize