I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
