I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my being single is dangerous.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
