I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
