This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize