why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
