I'm going to jail i love you
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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