Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
