It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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