apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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