I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
